Blog

I cleared out my closet last night and let go of a wardrobe amassed for a future hoped for but never lived. Gone are the dresses and heels for a “someday” soiree. Scarves and wraps and sleek black belts – to the Free Table they go. And stockings! Piles of stockings – black and gray and nude and suntan. Thigh-high, knee-high, tummy-controlling bits of wispy dreams. My trash bin overfloweth with ephemera of a wished for life: parties that never happened, promised dates never kept, vacations never taken. Do women even wear stockings anymore?

Sadly I’m releasing people, too, in this summer of loss, and through a refining fire, I am shattered. God builds me anew as I reclaim dignity, embrace self-respect, and find my spine. And so, one-way relationships masquerading as friendship: gone. One-sided marriage: over. Begging to be loved, to be cared for, to be considered by another? Done and done. It hurts and I cry and God catches my tears.

I’ve traded the black patent leather peep-toe pumps that languished in the depths of my closet for Merrell’s Performance Footwear hiking shoes. I’m trekking into my new life.

It’s snowing today, October 5, 2016, as my 4th summer working and living in the Grand Teton National Park winds down. In less than 3 weeks Sue (my 2005 Suburu Outback) and I will be embarking on a road trip, traveling from Wyoming to Florida. I’ve got generous, loving friends and family in states from here to there willing to give me a warm hug and a safe place to rest my head. I’m happy for a couch but almost all of my supporters have offered an actual bed.

While fat, wet snow flakes pile up outside, I’m sizzling in my dorm room, effecting yet another round of purging  my already meager belongings. Sue can carry quite the load but why should she have to share the burden of my past life? With every pile of impedimenta I take to the “free table” in the Employee Dining Room to share with my coworkers, I feel lighter and richer. I’m making room for my future.